I Am Not Human

How do you describe yourself?

Blonde hair, ripped skinny jeans, artist, entrepreneur, dreamer, brother, son, lover, friend. Rich, famous, loved, successful, grounded, balanced, happy. Gay, 30, ambitious, magical. Funny, moody, insightful.

Sounds like me.

The majority of the time I feel happy, confident, sure of my direction. I know that I am creating a magnificent life for myself. And then every once in a while I find myself  feeling stagnant. I start to question who I am, why I’m here, where I’m going. Even with a million projects on the go and even more ideas alive inside my head I cant help but feel like….its just not enough. The more I seek the more I spiral.

What am I waiting for exactly? A big cheque? A project that lasts longer than a season? A new obsession to pour my self into? All of these things will come and go forever and I know that. So what is it that I long for?

Nothing.

I long to exist and be completely enthralled in nothing. To be nobody.

I am not gay. I am not human.  I am not an artist or a dreamer. I am not a word.

I am a feeling, a potential. I am a vessel, a receptor, a antena open to receive information from the divine.

In my purest form I am energy. I am the thick anticipation that fills a stadium before the rock star takes the stage. I am excitement. I am the moment right before something big happens and everything suddenly makes sense. I am not the arrival of dreams come true, I am the belief that anything is possible. You cant see me, You cant touch me, You cant hold me or break me down. But I am here and always will be. Forever creating the perfect moment. A flicker of golden light. A brief expression of the universe.

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