KELOWNAFORNIA

Move to the big city. The lights are brighter. The people are cooler. The parties are better. You can become famous in the big city. You can get a super trendy drug addiction and get really drunk and throw things at people. It will be amazing. Everyone will talk about you. If they don’t just drink more, wear less and go out every single night. Its a no brainer. Anyone can do it. Save all your money for cigarettes and peroxide. You have to be blonde. You have to be skinny. You have to be on every guest list. If they don’t let you in then tell them they’re ugly. Everyone has to know who you are.

You just HAVE to live downtown. You absolutely cannot leave the West End. And don’t even think about changing your group of friends. Yes I know they’re assholes but its kind of a package deal. Who is gonna kiss your ass if you don’t hang out with them.

Sobriety? I DONT THINK SO MISSY! Fine you can do one month sober. So what if you like it, its not realistic to never drink again. Yes I suppose you can quit smoking. The wrinkles are getting pretty deep. You’ve looked 30 since you turned 23.

About last night. Yes I know. Heartbreaking. Maybe you should get new friends.  Maybe just a couple. I guess moving to East Van isn’t the worst idea. Its so far though. Whatever, just move to east van but there is no way in hell you are ever going further than that.

Don’t get Grindr. There’s no point. No one wants to fuck you. Ugh I cant believe you’re creating a Plenty Of Fish account. That is so tacky. What if someone sees you on there? Are you actually going to admit you want a relationship? Omg you already have a message! Oh he’s cute. As if you’re gonna go on a date with him. Oh god. I guess so. Just go, whatever.  YOU CANT BE IN LOVE WITH  HIM! YOU JUST MET HIM! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOURE MOVING IN WITH HIM? OH GOD THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS.

Ooooo I love this place. Never thought I would live in Gastown. This is literally the exact place you dreamt about as a teenager. There is no way you are EVER leaving this place.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET A DOG? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WAN TO RUN A MARATHON? WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING TO THE SUNSHINE COAST? THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS! GO DO SOME COCAINE AND HAVE A THREESOME LIKE A NORMAL COUPLE.

Oh no.

Don’t even go there.

There is no way in hell we are leaving Vancouver.

I will always live downtown. I will always be the same. My desires will never change. Move to the big city. The lights are brighter. The people are cooler. The parties are better.

Omg  I love it here. Its so quiet. I love having a backyard and a car. I feel so free. There is no way I am ever leaving. Don’t even think about it. This is the Palm Springs of Canada. I’m never leaving.

Copyright Darren Kirby

 

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