JANE SMOKER

Promoting excess has been done. Being a young hot blonde drag queen isn’t exactly ground breaking. And pulling inspiration from hollywood bad girls is a no brainer for any young gay artist these days. And yet with all this recycled material there is one queen who is still managing to make it seem fresh. So I guess the question is -if its all been done before why cant we keep our eyes off Jane Smoker?

The Serpentine Queen slithered onto the drag scene like she’s been there all along. Watching us. Stalking us. Waiting for the perfect moment to strike. And what started out as a one night only Lindsay Lohan tribute has turned into a full blown take over. Jane Smoker hasn’t been around the longest and she might not even be the best at anything in particular but she is undisputed kween of cool. Need proof? She is the most followed drag queen in Vancouver on Instagram. Probably BC. She’s got hipster blood and was an underground idol before snatching the oh so mainstream title of Vancouver’s Next Drag Superstar. I remember sitting in the audience watching her win thinking it was almost like a joke she was playing on everyone.  She wasn’t from around here and yet she was slaying so effortlessly. Marking her territory in a place that didn’t really know what to do with her.  She definitely wasn’t going to be any cooler for dominating davie street but having her as their leader definitely brought Davie’s dying scene up a couple notches. Jane Smoker can go from old school davie drag party to an obscure underground rave and fit in perfectly at either. No one bats an eye. She can stand out and fit in. She’s the most popular girl in school and she’s not a total bitch! Shocking , I know!  She knows what the fuck is up. She is artistically present and has a brand that puts apple to shame. She looks expensive. Maybe not on stage- but on paper Jane Smoker is a multi million dollar media sensation. She is living and breathing her future success like its already happened. She isnt going to become a star, she is already a superstar. I guess thats why I relate to her so much. We were born famous. I used to wonder what it would be like if Parker ever met Lindsay Lohan but now I’m wonder if Jane Smoker would even notice that Lindsay was in the room.

I caught up with Jane at her Bel Air mansion to ask her how things have changed since she became a superstar. She had sent a car to pick me up from my hotel. A big white giant stretch limo. Even though I typically hated limos she some how made it seem cool. First of all the driver was some blonde girl with cleavage you could hide a baby in. Secondly the back of the limo was filled with pabst blue ribbon on ice. I giggled thinking that she must have added the beer cuz she thought it was funny. She could certainly afford to give me champagne. Maybe it was a nod to our hipster past. We were supposed to star in a reality show together you know! The Real Hipster Of Vancouver! I wasn’t cool enough for the show but she got pretty close. VHI eventually passed. Their loss!

The drive through LA was abnormally hot so I rolled down the windows as we made our way through West Hollywood. As I looked out of the car window I saw a giant Jane Smoker billboard. It was for her cigarettes. The first celebrity to have their own brand on cigarettes. She certainly got a lot of flack for that one but that was probably the whole point. No point doing something unless its gonna piss someone off! We drove by what feels like a million different mansions before the car finally slowed down at a gigantic white gate. The driver mumbled something into the intercom and the gates opened up. I felt like I was entering heaven. Only this heaven that had endless amounts of whiskey and cocaine. When I got out of the limo the driver took me around back. We would do the interview by the pool. There were giant floating champagne glasses in the pool and solid gold lounging chairs that lined the blue water.  Britney Spear’s blackout album blared through speakers hidden throughout the yard. I sat down on one of them and thought my skin was going to melt it was so fucking hot.

“PETER MUTHER FUCKEN BREEZE”

and there she was. Billowing smoke, bloody lips and heels to heaven.

“I’m so happy you’re here! Its been so long!”

“Thanks I love your place”

“I know, right! it was only $12 million”

“Oh thats it?”

We both laughed. Some things never change. Humor has always been the common ground for Jane and I.

We talked for what seemed like hours about her and career. Just like the old days except this time we were sober. At least I was. She told me how she finally decided to leave vancouver, her hit TV show, platinum selling album, celebrity party scene and of course….that relationship of hers! What struck me most about Jane wasn’t what she was talking about but that she was still just as excited talking about her success as she was before it all happened. I think thats what made her so special to begin with. Her raw, authentic passion. Even if it was for fame. It made her shine back then and kept her shining now.

her phone rang and we both glanced down

“LINDSAY LOHAN’s name blinked on the screen.

I looked at her in disbelief. Had she finally become besties with her teen idol? My eyes must have bulging out of my head I was so eager to hear about why Lindsay was calling her!

“That bitch owes me money” Jane said and hit the ignore button

Jane Smoker ignoring Lindsay Lohan. Wow. For some reason I wasn’t surprised. The A listers always avoided Lindsay. We both laughed and I looked up at her sprawling mansion and smiled. I couldnt help but wonder if somewhere in Vancouver right now there is a gay boy fucked out of his mind getting “SMOKER” tattooed across his arm.

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